"The thing about the South is that it's stuck in all different kinds of time warps. I think they should have signs outside of these towns that tell the name of the town AND what year it is there. 'It's 1935. You'd best know your place, son.' I'd just drive through. 'It's 1968. You're almost there, but not quite.' I'd stop for gas, but I woudn't stay over night. 'Hey, it's 2005! Stay a while, have yourself a white girl.'"
-Alonzo Bodden
"Oh, if only you women could understand what sex is like for men. Women, yeah, you have the whole multiple orgasm thing, but with men it's like, 'Geh, er, UHH,' and at the same time there's a guy in our heads running around pulling levers, just shutting everything down."
-Kevin Knoxx
"I've heard that even with sun block, there's some people who can get skin cancer anyway, all kinds of people who are more likely than others. People with pale skin. People with freckles or warts, people with red hair... Why don't they just say 'Irish people'?"
-Jim McCue
"So, the way I broke my toe-- See, usually guys get all macho about their injuries, and they make up stories about them. Anyway, so I was skydiving with pirates..."
-Don Gavin
"The only problem that came up over my material [for a Congressional dinner] was my use of the word 'nipple'. Now THAT was one word that I refused to change. I guess I could use 'teats' but that's not the same! I HAD to use nipples! I gots nipples! You'se gots nipples! EVERYONE'S gots nipples of SOME kind!"
"As the show was coming close, I learned that the President wouldn't be attending, because he was going to attend the Pope's funeral. It was then that I decided that the Pope should be nominated for sainthood. He died so that I might live... I learned later that Dick Cheney would be taking the President's place. And that's when I realized that the Pope must've known that I was a Jew."
-Lewis Black
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