Every Citizen
Down in Midgar
Liked Christmas a lot ...
But Sephiroth,
Who lived just in the Northern Crater,
Did NOT!
Sephiroth hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite cares about the reason.
It must be that there were no (good) Chanukah specials to watch on TV at night.
It must be, perhaps, that his underwear was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his kidney was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His innards or his briefs, who knows why
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Citizens,
Staring down from his crater with a jerky, Sephiroth-like frown
At the deteriorated buildings below in their town.
For he knew every Citizen down in Midgar below
Was busy now, hanging up mistletoe.
"And they're hanging their stockings! Oh, shucks!"
Then he snarled, "Boy, this really sucks!"
Then he growled, with his strong fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Kwanzaa coming! Err, uh ... Christmas FROM coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Citizen girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the joy! Oh, the joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!
That's one thing he hated! The JOY! JOY! JOY! JOY!
Then the Citizens, young and old and really old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! and vomit! and FEAST!
They would start on Citizen-pudding, those cannibals, and rare Citizen-roast-beast
Which was something Sephiroth couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Citizen down in Midgar, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-foot. And the Citizens would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Sephitoth thought of the Citizen-Christmas-Singing
The more Sephiroth thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for twenty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
SEPHIROTH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Sephitoth got goosebumps
"I'll dress up as Santa Claus, all nice and plump!"
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a dastardly trick!
"With these horns and this neck, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..."
Sephiroth looked 'round.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop this jerk...?
"No!" Sephiroth simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called Jenova. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of her head.
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some sleigh-bells all ova'
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up Jenova
Jenova turned around her face all red
She was tired, cranky, and wanted her bed.
"What a stupid idea! What's all this fuss?!
"What is really the point to stealing Christmas?!"
Then Sephiroth said, "Shut up!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the slums where the Citizens
Lay drunk or asleep in their town.
All their windows were dusty. Toxic snow filled the air.
All the Citizens were all thinking about new games from Square
When he came to the first slum littered with filthy hair.
"This is stop number one," The old Sephy Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. Pretty rather small.
"But if Santa could do it, then I'll see him next fall ...?!"
He got stuck several times, for ten minutes or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where he cursed and he cursed.
For the fire was still going and he jumped out with a burst.
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Game.coms! And Playstations! Underwear! Guns!
Xenogears! Metal Gears! Furbys! And hot cross buns!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Sephiroth, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Each one exploded into flames.
Sephiroth hoped he wouldn't be the one to take the blames ...
Then he slunk to the fridge. He took the Citizens' feast!
He took the Citizen-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that fridge as quick as The Flash.
Why, Sephiroth even took their last can of corned hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Sephiroth, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And Sephiroth grabbed the tree, and he gave the chimney quit a clog
When he heard a small sound like the kupo of a Mog.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Citizen!
Little Marlene Wallace, who was not more than seven.
Sephiroth had been caught by this little Barret daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of lukewarm water.
She stared at Sephiroth and said, "Sandy Claws, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Seph was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Sandy Claws lied,
"There's a pine needle on this tree that's ... missing on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Marlene Wallace went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the coal for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old jerk.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some portrait of Captain James T. Kirk.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other Citizens' houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Citizens' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Citizens, still a-bed
All the Citizens, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The eggnogs!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The pogs!
But no one cared for those ...
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Gaea Cliff,
He rode to the tiptop to dump ...... ah, the Christmas stuff!
"Screw the Citizens of Midgar!" he was Sephiroth-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Citizens down in Midgar will all cry AH CRAP!"
"That's a noise," grinned Sephiroth,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Sephiroth put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't cussing!
Why, this sound sounded happy!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS happy!
He stared down at Midgar!
Sephiroth popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Citizen down in Midgar, the fat and the thin,
Was singing! Without any presents for the kin!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Sephiroth, with his Sephiroth-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without Nerf guns! It came without Metal Gears!
"It came without DVDs, Yahtzees or imported beers!"
And he puzzled nine hours, `till his knee was sore.
Then Sephiroth thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a toy store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more! Like religion!"
Then Sephiroth thought, "Nah, you've got to be kiddin'."
And what happened then...?
Well...in Midgar they say
That the Sephiroth's small kidney
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his kidney didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Sephiroth carved the roast beast into oblivion!
Then the devil threw away the filet mignon.
He jumped on the table kicked off the dishes and cups
and chucked all the pups.
Suddenly a daring lad
named Cloud confronted Sephiroth on top of the pad.
"I want my Zelda!" Cloud demanded.
"You want it? Come and get it!" Sephiroth reprimanded ...?
And so they engaged in an epic bout.
The clash of their swords echoed through out
as the rest of the Citizens carolled about the city.
The fact that the two weren't was a pity.
Sephiroth was about to deal Cloud the final blow
when a sleigh landed on the villain's big toe.
He shrieked and he shrieked but to no avail
Cloud stuffed him in a beach pail.
A lo and behold, out of the sleigh
came jolly old St. Nick, with a sack full of toys he was arrying-cay.
Santa Claus poured out all 'o the gifts into huge piles
and allowed the Citizens who take their picks. TILES!
For Cloud, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
For Tifa, a brand new virtual pet, Pocket Mime.
For Aeris, a bouqet of pansies
And for Cait Sith, a nice warm pair of orthopedic panties.
For Barret, a bootleg copy of Shaft
For Red XIII, a Furby that goes "ACHOO!"
And for Cid, ANOTHER virtual pet, Pocket Pikachu.
Finally, for Yuffie and Vincent came nothing
because they didn't show up for the ending.
THE END
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