from Stages of identity: A Study of Actors

Interviewer: What about your first reactions to the training?

Student: It's a great novelty to begin with, but after a few weeks it began to wear off drastically - I became very skeptical and disillusioned by all the teachers that were setting themselves up to give judgements to people.

Interviewer: Was that in the first term?

Student: Yes, it got slowly worse.

Interviewer: What happened to that disillusionment, did it change?

Student: I think it was a gradual process, and I think it had to do with me rather than the school. It's very difficult to know; I know a lot of people were very happy with the course. I just didn't believe some of the things I heard or saw.

Interviwer: Like what?

Student: I just began to feel that the teachers weren't working in your best interest - and I began to feel they weren't taking you for what you could do. They wanted you to be what they wanted you to be, not what you could be. And unless you kept your own belief going in yourself, didn't let yourself be ... I just found them all on big ego trips, like infallible beings. Since then, outside directors have been useful. It was like listening to someone, at times telling you universal things rather than ...

Interviewer: Does that change as you progress?

Student: Well, they ignore you when you get to senior term! You become more discerning, more able to listen to what they say but have much more judgement. They can destroy you, they really do destroy you there - they do all they can - I don't think it's conscious, I kept on thinking it was, but I don't even know now - you have to keep in touch with your emotions, that's all.

Interviewer: So you don't know whether it's intentional, almost as a teaching device?

Student: To break down? Oh, yes, I think so - they have this shock treatment, when people say, 'You don't think people are going to come and see you with a speech pattern like that!' It may sound stupid, and you can laugh at it now, but I didn't at the time, I do now, because they did come, and they did listen to me.

Interview: Do you know of people who never recovered from the breaking down process or does it -

Student: I don't think they break everyone down because - no, most people do recover when they start acting again, although they lose something. Maybe you have to lose something to gain something ...



As I stare into the abyss, it also stares into me.

And I'm afraid that I might blink first.