In the event of my death

Lately I've been thinking about my death and the events that may bring it about. Here are things that everyone I care about needs to know.

In the event that I am used as a human shield by an escaping criminal and one of you, my dear friends, has to choose between a criminal's continued freedom and my safety (which is not guaranteed)

You have permission to shoot me in the leg. The shot would startle the suspect, and with my wound I would become a burden to the escapee, and I would have to be discarded as he tries to make a run for it, giving you precious time to take him down.

If you can, aim for the flesh of my thigh. I would not like to be shot in the shin or in the kneecap, but I won't hold it against you if you do.

In the event that one of you, my dear friends, becomes an assassin and is assigned to kill me

Go through with it. If you don't, the assassin's guild will either kill you or send someone else to do it, and I would much rather that someone I care about sees my last living moments.

As for how to kill me, that's up to you. Just be sure to make it sudden and extravagant (laser-guided sharks, Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, thwomp, etc.)

Although if you want to duel to the death, I would prefer that it occurs at sunset (though sunrise is fine, too).

Funeral service plans

1. Masquerade ball
Masks are mandatory, and will be handed out at the door. Other costumed apparel is optional. My body must be dressed as Superman. Anyone else who comes to the service dressed as Superman is Bizarro, and will be asked to leave.

2. Christmas party
A nighttime service. My casket will be in front of a big Christmas tree. Wreathes and mistletoe will be used liberally in decoration. Stockings will be hung on the side of the casket, and a glass of milk and a plate of cookies will be set on top. At midnight, my dead body, dressed as Santa Claus, will fall out of the fireplace. Christmas-themed Irish drinking songs will follow.

3. In the event that immediate company is stranded in woods/mountains/an island
Lay my body to the earth, and don't you take my shoes. Mark my grave with a cross, or at least a very nice rock, then pour out a bottle of sake on my grave. In the absence of sake, whisky will do. In the absence of any sort of alcohol, all present will spit into a cup (or somebody's hands) and pour the resulting mixture. (Please note: pouring Toma's Pop on my grave will reveal the location of the Rainbow Shell)

4. Economy package
Discreetly work my remains into the ashtrays at the bowling alley, and then pour an eight ounce mugette of Coors out onto an unclaimed pair of Stride Rites. I would like a huge sassy black lady to point at a portrait of me and exclaim, "Fuck THIS guy!" Right on cue, thirteen ugly children roll gutterballs. [1]



And all of my belongings will be buried with me, because they are mine.